The Asylum Rant - Rant 2 - ...You might fail at life

Craze · Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 5481 Location: Indiana, U

Lets start with some rules...

Rules of the Asylum
Rule 1. There are no real point to these
Before you yell troll, realize that I'm actually writing something that can be discussed, thus its not spam. BUT if you are to ask me why you should read this, I have no answer.

Rule 2. Nothing I say or do has any direct or indirect relation to this or any other magic league

Rule 3. These are my opinions, not yours.
Feel free to tell me yours.

now on to my rant...

So I was driving my friend home today and he put in a Jeff Foxworthy CD. And I'm not really the biggest fan of the guy, but whatever I wasn't really listening anyway. So of course being its his thing, Foxworthy does the "You might be a redneck list..."
And of course that gave me an idea to do my own version.

If anything on this list applies to you, you might fail at life.

If you at any point mimic an act from Dave Chappelle, you might just fail at life

Yeah I'm aware Maddox did an article on this, but seriously its been like three years, if it wasn't really funny in the first place, why the fuck would it be funny 3 years later!?
Today I walked into the supply room at my armory and the Sergent walks up and playfully smacks me (which would of gotten him punched if he didn't outrank me) and says "I'm Rick James, Bitch"
No, your a dumbfuck. Thats what you are...bitch.

If you have people refer to you as any name that ends with "izzle" you fail at life

Same fucker... "JD-izzle." yeah thats right. Just (a) Dumbfuck-izzle.

If you buy your underwear from a gas station, you might be both a redneck and fail at life

About 2-3 weeks ago I walk into a gas station to buy some lottery tickets and the dude standing in front of me in line has like 12 bags of underwear in his hands.
Now I'm not really sure which part is more fucked up, him needing to buy that many pairs of underwear on the go OR the fact that the gas station was selling underwear. It wasn't even one of those rest stop/gas stations either (with the showers), it was just a normal speedway.

If your idea of charming a girl is talking about the rash in between your leg and crotch, we probably don't have to worry about you breeding

Why do I always seem to hear this shit!?

If your 40 and still work in a fast food drive thru, you fail at life.

and while were at that...

If you can't understand the words "large coke," your probably better off across the border

If you challenge my car to a race, you need to compensate for failing at life and at some other areas too...

This is my piece of shit car.
About a month ago or so, I'm at a red light and a guy in this sporty Porsche (I wanna say 911) drives up next to me. And he looks at me, and of course I'm looking at his car. And he gives me this smile (which in some surroundings might make me think hes coming on to me) and then does this little freaky hand sign involving a finger gun and what looked like a sexual position. And I'm like... "wtf" and hes like "race man, lets race." And I throw an egg at his car.
Does my car look like something that can fucking race? My car couldn't race a shopping cart, its practically held together with glue. And seriously how fucking retarded fo you have to be to challenge someone to a street race in the middle of the day on a busy highway.

If you decide the best place to turn into my lane is the 4 inch gap between me and the car in front of me, you probably need to rethink your life or at least retake your drivers test.

Another example of how my breaks are fucking a thousand times better then you'd think they'd be.

If your solution to get out of drill is to go to the ER for "mental stress" you probably made a few mistakes in life

One of the jobs of being a driver for the military is having to drive around NCOs and officers. And for the last 2 days that meant driving my friend SGT Edwards around to AWOL's ("Absent without leave" or basically people who decided they didn't wanna come into work) houses and dragging their asses to work or to jail. So we get to this Specialist's name on the list. And we go to his recorded primary listed home address or what turns out to be his grandparents house. We get there and ask them if they've seen him (we were there looking for his ass yesterday too) and they start busting out crying telling us how rough his life is and whatever which was very fucking awkward.
Come to find out the kid was at the hospital, but not because he was hurt. No, he just didn't feel like working on Humvee that day and decided the best way out of it was to claim "mental stress."

But Craze, what if he was telling the truth?

Then I wouldn't even be telling this story, but I know this dude. I've hung out with his ass back when I used to drink and could stand him. The only mental problem he has is laziness. It just goes to fucking show you that some people are just fucking losers...
This just goes to a discussion I was having with Edwards on the way back about Welfare. Its fucked up to have to support these fucking bums. Let me break my view down for a second..

Welfare is a broken fucking system put in place to compensate for complete losers. Yes, 1 out of every 100 people on welfare legitimately need it cause they try and can't find work right away. But a majority of the people on it are fucking slackers.
And so you have guys like McCain who want to lower the amount welfare pays. Well thats no good either cause in the long all your doing is fucking over the kids who's parents are bums. I mean is it some 5 year old girls fault her parents don't want to get jobs? no. So until we establish a new system (like required time in service) were pretty much fucked either way.

Speaking of McCain...

If your gonna vote for that ancient, Bush-Part-Two, warhawk you fail at life or at least your memory of the last four years does

If you watch The Big Bang Theory and are reminded of yourself, you fail hard.

I love that show, but those dudes are huge nerds.
If you've never seen it, heres a sample:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UXBad5s8rw

If every other word out of your mouth is "dude" you need to reconsider a few things

If you don't understand the term "no pass lane" you need to consider suicide

And finally...

If you are driving in the Lafayette/Indianapolis area of Indiana and an egg hits your window...

Until next time, I'm Craze and you're not.
-TomW

TwoTrees · Joined: 22 Nov 2007 Posts: 14

center · Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 387

you clearly are missing how welfare works these days. You don't get it indefinitly and you have to demonstrate you are actively searching for employment.

Craze · Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 5481 Location: Indiana, U

shadow483 · Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 57

Do you just drive around with eggs in your car?

Craze · Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 5481 Location: Indiana, U

center · Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 387

MeddlingMatt · Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 77

Craze · Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 5481 Location: Indiana, U

blitzer2k7 · Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 66

lmfao @ the big bang theory. wow...that was interesting..though I do agree with "If every other word out of your mouth is "dude" you need to reconsider a few things". I agree whole heartedly.

JDude · Joined: 26 Mar 2006 Posts: 32

Craze · Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 5481 Location: Indiana, U

center · Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 387

drunk post is drunk

coolcreep · Joined: 18 Feb 2006 Posts: 410

cheesypirate · Joined: 09 Aug 2006 Posts: 93

Speaking of failing at life...

http://en.wikinews.org/w/index.php?title=South_African_couple_killed_after_being_hit_by_train_while_having_sex&curid=113535